16 Signs You’re No Longer A Kid
If there’s any question I’ve come to abhor in my young adulthood, it’s this heavyweight: “How old are you?” Four words strung together were never more lethal.
Sure, women over 25 generally shy away from revealing those mystical numbers. I share in that, particularly because I can get away with a more modest number. Most people mistake me for a 22- or 23-year-old, and I’m praying that’ll persist for several more years (a girl can dream, can't she?). In the meantime, I’ll keep pretending to be a fresh college graduate.
Jokes aside, the second reason I find that query so offensive is the fact that it incorporates the miscreant word “old.” Why can’t we swap it for “young” and pose the question thus: “How young are you?” Imagine how much more willing we’d be to admit our ages if properly buttered up. It’s all in the diction, really.
The sad reality is that we are getting older, and here are 16 signs you’re no longer a kid (in society’s eyes, at least):
1. No one tells you “you’re too young to remember that” or “that was before your time.” Now it’s you explaining what pogs, slammers and nano pets are to that tiny little twerp who calls you “Auntie.”
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2. You’ll never hear “you’re still young, take it easy,” or “slow down, turbo.” These days, time is your biggest liability, and the clock is ticking against your favor.
3. You’ve crafted a bucket list, whether it’s fine dining institutions you must visit before you die, or exotic destinations you wish to explore, or wild adventures beckoning the ever-vanishing daredevil in you.
4. You can actually and vividly recall things from 20 years ago. Like that famous “No Doubt” song that debuted when you were in the 5th grade, or your favorite Disney movie (if it wasn’t “Aladdin,” “Lion King,” or “Pocahontas,” you are officially banished from this blog).
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5. Your cousin instructs her young children to preface your name with “Auntie” or “Uncle”. Ah, hell no!
6. Your mom no longer coaxes you to eat a second or third helping of her food. Before, she’d insist you needed the nourishment. Now, she gapes at you wide-eyed if you reach for a second fry.
7. You’re pining for a messy burger slathered with mayo-laced special sauce and towering high with a breaded mozzarella patty. But no, you’ll just have that pathetic field of greens, hold the dressing. Pigging out has become unconscionable.
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8. You justify chocolate consumption by opting for the dark variety, cocoa content upward of 70%. Hey, it’s good for the metabolism and houses all those powerful antioxidants. Uh huh, right. Whatever floats your boat, honey.
9. If friends schedule drinks at 8 or dinner at 9, you beg them to shift to an earlier hour. Ain’t no shame in happy hour at 5. Which brings us to the following point.
10. You make a valiant effort to avoid noshing after 8, because those calories aren’t going to burn themselves before bedtime. Which again brings us to the following point.
11. You’re in bed by 10, and that applies to weekends as well. You finally understand the meaning of “beauty sleep,” “crow’s feet,” and “black circles.”
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12. Likewise, “all-nighter” and “nuit blanche” have fallen out of your vocabulary. Staying up to usher in the sunrise sounds romantic, but no, 5:30 am is no time to be rosy-eyed and bushy-tailed.
13. After 3 pm, you wouldn’t be caught dead slugging back a cup of joe, black tea, or heck anything even mildly caffeinated. This relates directly to your precious beauty sleep.
14. Your body is prone to aching, particularly your back and neck. And that’s not even after an intense workout. That’s just from rolling out of bed in the morning.
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15. Your heels collect dust in the corner of the closet, and you mow down flats faster than a tire wears its tread. Prancing around on the balls of your feet is out of the question. You simply cannot be bothered.
16. You start to perceive the age range between 50 and 70 as young. After all, that’s the generation of your parents, and by God, they’re still youthful.
Who else is writhing at the prospect of "all grown up"?